Of Clean Slates and New Beginnings

Journaling Joules: An Ounce of Fiction with a Pound of Truth

Dear Journal,

Last night I was over at Marlene's house and we started talking about my cousin Jason.  She was telling me about a conversation she had with him at church a couple of weeks ago.  I had remembered her saying something to me later that evening, about having a conversation with him about me, but we hadn't had time to talk about it yet.  So, last night we finally had a chance to talk.  Apparently Jason was telling Marlene about how mean he was to me when he was younger and that he regretted it now.  He couldn't believe that I had forgiven him and he thinks that I am a great cousin!  I was flabbergasted, speechless, I couldn't believe my ears!  Truth is, Jason was an unholy terror and for a while I think I almost hated him.  He is my only cousin close to my age, so we were always expected to play together.  But Jason's idea of playing was picking on me.  He was always bigger than me, though I'm older, and he took great delight in tormenting me.  I can remember reasoning with myself in my head about how I loved my cousin (because I knew I should), but I didn't like him.  For a long time I harbored a great deal of bitterness towards him, because of the way he treated me.  Also, because my parents would tell me things like, "Just let it go", or "You need to have 'thick skin' and not let him bother you".  Whenever Aunt Maggie, Uncle Jay and Jason would come over to our house, which was quite often, I was always the one who was asked, or expected, to give in and let Jason have his way, so as to make peace.  Having grown up an only child, he was accustomed to having his own way in everything.  If anyone challenged his will he got really mad and made everyone miserable.  So for a while I was the "peacemaker" who was filled up inside with anything but peace.  Every time Mom and Dad would say, "I wish you two would learn to be friends", or even worse, "Your friends will come and go but your family will always be there; that means Jason!"  I had this argument in my head; I would think, "Why do you want me to be friends with him?  If he wasn't my cousin you wouldn't even want me to be around him!"  I thank God that I never vocalized those thoughts!  I've always been more of the one who would never blurt out what I was thinking, my conscience wouldn't allow it; but I did think those, and many more, awful things.  Thinking them and letting them fester and become "infected", I think, is as bad, if not worse, than blurting it all out.  There are many, many things that I regret, but thank the Lord, speaking those thoughts is not one of them.  It's been a long hard road, getting to where Jason and I are now, I can say honestly that we are friends!  It's still difficult and there are times when I feel like I'm faking, but God has already done a great work in my heart!  At times the old bitterness shows its ugly face, but the Lord has helped me overcome!  I don't really even know when it began, but when I made the decision to follow Christ with my whole heart was when I allowed Him to work!  Slowly, as I've grown in Christ these last years and as He conforms me to His image, the bitterness has disappeared!  There was no longer any room in my heart for it, when I let Christ reign in me!  That's not to say that now everything is "butterflies and rainbows", because it's not.  In fact, when they were over visiting the other day he made me so mad; all those familiar feelings of bitterness and resentment came rushing in.  I wish that I could say that I didn't allow them a foothold, but I can't.  I let those angry, bitter thoughts come in an visit for a while.  I was wrong to give in to the flesh like that.  I desire to "die to self", and to give up my "rights" for Christ's sake, yet sin runs deep.  I will always be amazed at how many times I fall and yet the Lord still forgives me, wipes my slate clean, and gives me a new beginning.  How I do look forward to the day when I will sin no more.  when the only thing I will do is bring praise, honor and glory to my Lord!  Not shame, disappointment and dishonor.  "Oh what a wonderful day that will be!"

Because of His Forgiveness,

Hadassah